The Whitlams are a defining part of my teen years and early twenties. I first fell in love with them when 'No Aphrodisiac' found commercial radio air time in late 1997. As I started falling in love with all things Paul McDermott, his morning radio duties caused a transferrence of my desires to Triple-J. It wasn't long until I raided my local sanity store, owning claim to not only Eternal Nightcap, but their self-titled album and Undeniably.
Unfortunately, by the time I discovered this magical gem by Stevie, his soul left this world but thankfully, lived through the recorded lyrics of his dulcet and sombre tones. It is also a song which reminds me of how low I have felt as I played this particular one on repeat for a troubling six months while finding myself through my first degree attempt.
This song, essentially, is about suicidal ideation. Dark topic, I know but one I have to admit, on occasion, has drawn an appeal. It is a song which reminds me how dark our thoughts can get, driving our psyche to look for easier solutions. Simply put; there are worse things than death.
As you may, or may not be aware (I hope you're aware...) I never went through with any thoughts of that nature. So to me, it is a constant reminder that a person can feel almost low enough to consider it but never be brave enough to follow through.
This chapter is about a time in Jase and my relationship where I felt at rock bottom, well before I had an inkling of how low rock bottom could dive. This chapter delves into the surrealism of a house fire on Easter Sunday of 2006. It also hightlights to me how strong Jase and my connection truly was. It solidified our togetherness, at least it did for me.
When I was ten, I witnessed a house fire in some flats near us. We lived in town houses and my commute to my bus stop veered through another set of housing commision units. The brick house on top of the hill was well alight by the time all of us nosy kids ran through the drainway and up their driveway to watch. The billowing black smoke guided our curiosity, the screams from a hysterical mother have never left me.
We got to the building before the fire crew. I remember them pulling up and pushing us back to make way to enter through the yellowed-brick fence. The flames were exiting out the windows. The red tips swirled under the evening breeze, funnelling the smoke skyward. I have no concept of time in those memories. I can't remember who witnessed it with me. I remember being near the fence line when three stretchers left through the gate - all contained the bodies of three children lost in the fire, the youngest only two. The kids were playing with matches in their bedroom when their curtains caught alight. The parents were next door winding down on a routine Friday night. Being the nineties, I had to return home once the streetlights came on. I could do whatever otherwise, even lay witness to horrific circumstances.
***
Karma is a constant theme throughout this book and this serves as a reminder of negative actions resulting in negative consequences. Jase and I lived in my Dad's house through his own charity. We selfishly took advantage, not paying rent. The universe taught us a valuable lesson. The significance of this chapter is it invites people into my deepest darkest truths, the behind the scenes relationship I had with my father. Most people are aware of my parents seperation, however, the twenty years of therapy is testament to scarring such an upbringing had.
I am grateful in some ways; sadistic and twisted ways. It is a massive defining factor of who I am as a person. It helped define my identity as well as be the source of my empathy. I figure, in this way, no matter what, my situation could always be worse. It is also my driving force behind my kindness - I never want anyone to feel the fear I felt as a kid.
In writing this chapter, though, it has allowed me to understand my father's behaviours better. It becomes even more prominent when his own upbringing is brought into the spotlight... if he replayed it through me, my days could have been significantly darker.
So I used this song as the chapter title here, simply because, a house fire seems as though as bad as it can get.
Sometimes, I wish I never knew, how easy a moment it was.
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