I see patterns where most people don't, especially when it comes to numbers and coincidences.

I was always told, my emotions are too much. "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," "Stop being such a baby," "Don't come back here until you've pulled yourself together," and my absolute favourite - "You're just doing this for attention."

Being an adult is hard but growing up is optional. How that philosophy rules your world, defines you as a person. If you are too adult, you are serious and cynical. If too child-like, immature and unrealistic. Sometimes, you just have to be baby bear's porridge - just right.

I've been finding the last few days and weeks more challenging than usual. I know part of it stems from working through the undealt trauma of Jase's story but life has presented it's own variation of obstacles.

There's nothing like spending money to gain perspective. 

Today my older brother, Gary, would have turned fifty-six. Gazza's passing at thirty-nine was the first time I witnessed a young person in our family leave this plane of existence. Our youngest sibling officially ages him out this year. 

One of the common terms used for Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) is a flare. I have suffered these episodes of illness on and off since I was about seventeen. At the times previous to the last few years however, I never knew what the diagnosis was. It just went as an unexplained problem, most of my blood tests and monitors reading normal levels. 

Most people who know me are aware of my Catholic upbringing. I tend to keep to myself however, the strength I still find in it when I am lost. It is not a common thing to talk about these days, for fear of being shunned or laughed at but it is true to me, to who I am.

Jase loved the V8s. It was something I enjoyed from afar but got more into it when we got together. He would dabble with the F1 but it wasn't something he was religious over. 

I wrote a letter to myself today.