“There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road while you're travelling with me.”
This chapter finds us six months into Jase and my relationship. Having lost the honeymoon phase of our beginnings, the grief he was dealing with after his mother's death just before we got together were apexed by the news his kidney function was now low enough to start the process of dialysis.
I was only twenty-two and had met the guy I was determined to spend the rest of my life with. Six months in and I'm informed we'd be lucky to get eight years. I would be thirty. I would be planning a funeral at thirty.
Needless to say, it was a bit of a shock.
The lyrics I poached for this chapter come from Crowded House's "Don't Dream It's Over." Sentimental wise, the year they initially broke up, 1996, was the year of my year ten graduation. The image of them singing this song on the steps of the Sydney Opera House, everyone there with their hands swaying in the air in time to the chorus is an image that sticks with me even now.
It was our graduation song. Most of us in that year went on to attend years eleven and twelve at a different school. It wasn't uncommon for a lot of people not to continue on. For me, I remember walking out the hall at St Pius X High School, the overly dark varnished floors and plain hollow walls echoed the tune as we walked out of the side door and onto the side road. Potholes and chipped tar greeted us with the confusion of not knowing what to do with our deluded freedoms.
Sometimes when re-reading my chapters I deem at the proof reading stage, it scares me slightly at my insight. The accuracy of this song and the chosen lyrics fits this chapter of my life scarily enough to make me wonder if I manifested the event to match it subconciously.
This is one chapter I had difficulty writing as I hadn't dealt with the emotions. I continued to plow forward, never taking the time to deal with the shock and shift of my life at the time. I understand people's shock when they find out I stayed but forever the optimist, I figured eight years was better than not having the option of survival. It also drove me to ensure we lived our lives to the greatest and regardless of what was thrown our way, I would stay by his side through it all.
Oh, how deluded little me was...
Add comment
Comments