Today my older brother, Gary, would have turned fifty-six. Gazza's passing at thirty-nine was the first time I witnessed a young person in our family leave this plane of existence. Our youngest sibling officially ages him out this year.
I've never been overly sad about Gaz's death. When he had fallen ill in the February of 2009, I had several panic attacks. The day I had received the call of him being hospitalised, I was at work. I ran the day shift with my work mum, Maureen. The shock of the phone call from my mum resulted in me trying to reach my bosses. All I got was voicemail from both of them. Poor Maureen was at a loss as I spiralled into a full-blown panic attack. Tears poured from my soul and I crouched down into a ball, my arms hugged around my knees. I was at a loss for not being able to act on impulse. I was stuck at work. I was the only person available to do the shift. It was my regular morning shift every week so the bosses imagined it was well covered - I wasn't one to cause problems.
There's a first time for everything.
My voicemails of desperation to Gav must have been quite the shock as he and Tan escaped the darkened entertainment cave having just had a chance to celebrate a belated Valentine's Day. It was also Gav's birthday that week so the rare chance they recieved to spend an entire day together as a couple without their kids was ruined by a sobbing phone call.
Gav's voice of action rang through the speaker, my sobs less evident but the pain still etched into my voice. After I explained the situation, my brother in hospital, delerious and confused, Gav said he'd get to work as soon as he got home and changed. I don't think how much I appreciated him as my boss in that moment, grateful for his no nonsense stance on family matters. I've always been lucky to find bosses who support that ideal.
His death in the November of 2009 was a relief to me. I found it hard to see him struggle with his demons and I was busy trying to navigate my own feelings. I was spiralling mentally. I had made an appointment the week before to organise speaking with a professional with my GP. I have been seeing councillors on and off since I was sixteen. I've found they help me as I was brought up in an era when talking about your emotions or expressing was frowned upon.
The 80s, huh?
Today, I wrote about the birthday after he died. My morning had started melancholy, the missing member of my family on my mind. Jase, aware of the date was sympathetic. I had organised to have the day off anyway due to a catch up we were attending with our friends in Newcastle. I was the first of my friends to lose an immediate family member, such as a sibling. My group of friends I met at high school has been a constant since I was twelve. Their support has always been my strength. I am one extremely lucky girl.
The morning was sedate, our catch up set for lunchtime. I had been started on anti-depressant medication to help alleviate the symptoms of the sorrow from the loss of my brother. I was tired more than usual and put it down to a side-effect of the meds.
Turned out I was pregnant.
Jase and I had been planning our wedding, sure the only way we would have children was through IVF. We had been unsuccessful for nearly seven years. We'd even had the testing done but knew the money wouldn't fall into our laps. So we thought, instead of gifts, we'd appreciate money to put towards the procedure for us. Looking back, the timing of that pregnancy was everything. It was the start of the rollercoaster I refer to as 2010. It is the main component of my book, that year in its entirety.
I found myself focused on that particular event today as I wrote. The dates, the anniversaries significant to only a few but the reminicing as real now as it was living it in the moment. The fact they are still so real to me has allowed me to not only catalogue in great detail the situations, but also feel and release the negative emotions. This journey never fails to surprise and amaze me. I am lucky to be alive to share these moments for they may be lost if I lose the courage to speak about them.
Happy Birthday Gazza! Enjoy the surf and the sun.
Love your little sister, Sal xxx
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