Ahh, yes. The past can hurt...

to finish it, move forward and explore other avenues. I gave myself permission to stop today. I have been in a spiral of overwhelm so much I hadn't even recognised myself in the mess. I had forgotten about me. So today, I will be doing some theraputic layering by looking at Cam The Chameleon.

Cam was an idea which developed during COVID. Being forced to work fortnightly, my mind wandered and created. I was making Christmas ornaments with paint and string and a hot glue gun. I felt the urge to paint. So I was painting anything I could lay my hands on. I was using acrylics, watercolours. I have taught myself colour theory to a degree (also YouTube videos have helped too.) When Cam's story came to me, it was written in an hour.

The way I write stories is an image pops into my head. It is either the beginning scene or the ending scene. I'll then bookend it with the opposite ending. This was the same process for Cam. I had been watching a copious amount of Gunnar Detherage  and his struggle to find his fit in the world. At the time, my oldest was being forced to stand up for herself against another young person who was not dealing with the stresses of lockdowns well. As they were both considered vulnerable, they attended the school. This meant they spent a lot of time in each others space. Both triggered by each others actions. This escalated unhelpfully to the point my then ten year old, wanted to stay home permanently. Given our situation, me on the front line and Jase not at home for three days a week due to dialysis, we had no choice but to send her. 

I spoke with the school. Their immediate response was for me to tell my daughter to back off, this other girl is going through things. I understood all that. I empathised with that. I also recognised, we too, were dealing with things. I had been through the wringer multiple times but at no time did I think it gave me permission to afflict pain on someone else. I explained, if my daughter is standing up for herself, I'm backing her regardless of the circumstances.

This is the essence of Cam. A chameleon forced to hide who he is to keep the peace. To conform, to back down. I am raising two daughters who need to survive the real world. The minute I extinguish their fire is the moment I have failed them as a parent. They are allowed to exist as they are. Will they fit in currently, maybe not. Will they find their place at the top of the spier, all the rest wallowing in self pity below - ABSOLUTELY! 

Gunnar found his place, now regarded as one of the great fashion designers in the states. His pieces are gorgeous. I wonder if he will ever know the affect he has created through his honesty. 

So today, my focus is Cam. I will be layering and colouring digitally. I was originally hand painting and calligraphying every page. I got to the fifth page and after writing carefully for five minutes, had to start again because I made a mistake. Frustrated, Cam's story was shelved and I started on the artwork. It was four years later when I realised I had some basic knowledge for digital art, having explored it in my early degree attempts. I remember being pretty good at it. I covered ten pages in fifteen days. I haven't been back to him since but today I might clean my digital brushes and put some strokes to paper. I might even make it to page eleven by the day's end.

So yes, the past can hurt, and sometimes it can get in our way. Today, I'm not going to let it. I will be focussed on rainbow colours and bright backgrounds. So if you need me, I'll be knee deep in my paints, creating a different world for me to sit in for a while.