How did we get here?
Jase loved the V8s. It was something I enjoyed from afar but got more into it when we got together. He would dabble with the F1 but it wasn't something he was religious over.
The girls have discovered F1 so much so, the Melbourne leg is on television today. In this day and age, the fact my television is switched on let alone tuned to free to air TV is mind-blowing. The girls are usually glued to their laptops or Jase's incredibly old ipad. They spend their time facetiming, snapchatting, and instagramming their lives with a consistency of a professional sports person is dedicated to their sport. Not only have they ventured out into the light of day (at a reasonable hour I might add) but are not running away spooked because I interacted with them in a small manor... I'll take the win!
The grief is heavy today though. Jase would have loved to sit down and do this with his girls. He'd be standing at the front door, the screen ajar while he blew his cigarette smoke away from inside the house. His cigarette laden fingers, outstretched away from the door frame as he supported his weight with the rest of his hand, would hold his position while his head was turned and fixated on the screen of fuel-flickering figures on the screen.
But he's not here...
It's these sort of days that are harder than any. You can prepare for the big events, steel your heart against the pain but the days when it sneaks up on you are the hardest. You dream of what could have been, all the while, focussed on forward momentum. We can't go back, we can only move forward...
ONWARD AND UPWARD!
So, today the roles are reversed. The girls are interacting as humans should and I am hiding in my hovel, my back to our family portraits because looking at them is too painful. I am hiding in my blog and writing to relive a pain I am familiar with; Jase's story of survival. I know in it's current state there is a happy ending to it. The reality now is a far cry from the dream but I know it is where we all need to be. These are the moments that define us, not in the loud shouts from the rooftops but the small moments, quiet, sharp and painful. I get to decide if they break me or make me.
I was never one to quit at the challenge in front of me. It was more likely I wouldn't start for the fear of the massive task in front of me. I am not that person anymore. I guisde where I want to be and who I surround myself with. This means I will be part of the elite, I am part of the elite and I will ride the inertia of this straight and aim for the chequered flag!
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